Twas the night before Christmas, and nothing stirred, not even a mouse. Santa Caller-Claus was getting ready for Christmas bingo Day, and his biggest gig of the year. He had a choice of the Bournemouth Winter Gardens annex, or the O2 Arena Abu Dhabi. As a gambling man, he rolled his pocket poker dice, and Bournemouth it was.
Santa C-C was busy packing his gear- a Bingo-Ball blower machine and a Lapland troll named Berp who was to provide the lung-power to generate the random numbers. Berp was pretty harmless really, although his propensity to emit top and bottom burps when not engaged on bingo-business could be a pain in the... well, let's not go there. Santa checked he had his pack of Bingo cards, prizes that he'd held back from last year (well, the children denied a gift or two out of their stocking couldn't complain could they? He didn't exist for heaven's sake!)
He checked his faithful reindeer steeds in the stable, out back with the outside toilet. At the front of the team was Dancer-Chancer-Prancer, a real triple-barrelled show-off ex-riverboat deer that ran the paddles when the coal ran out, and Rudolph Redneck, a deep South American ‘deer with one tooth that loved beer and not-too demanding day-time television. The others were Legz Eleven (beautiful fetlocks), the two little ducks (twins), and a one-eyed reindeer called Kelly.
Clicking on his seat belt, and telling his Chief Elf, Alf, to watch the shop while he was away, Santa pressed on the accelerator (a volume control to the MP3 Rudolph Redneck was listening to) and away they sped, Lapland to Bournemouth direct with just a slight detour to drop down on the Firth of Forth Road bridge to freak out the drivers there.
Swooping down to the Winter Gardens Annex, there was trouble straight away. While he could park the sleigh and Reindeers outside, if Berp, the Troll, had to come in, then he had to buy some Bingo cards. The problem was only averted when Santa explained that it wouldn't be ethical to have the creature that provided the energy to produce random numbers, to also be in the game by having Bingo cards.
Once inside, the gig went well, the only problem being that the winners were a little surprised by their prizes; Mouse Trap Board Game, skate board, Mr Blobby Space Hopper, VHS videos of Thomas the Tank Engine. and other assorted throwbacks from Christmas past where Santa couldn't get the gear down the chimney before daybreak.
As his Sleigh rose into the air heading back to the Arctic Circle Santa was mortified to hear a grumble from the doorman "tame... Halloween was much more fun with Bill Z Bubb and his Demonic Dancers! The presents were better too- a lifetime of indulgence and decadence, and all for two lines or a full house, and a signature on a little bit of paper!"